As women have moved into the workforce, many dads – some by choice, others by necessity – have begun to be more active at home. No longer able to rely on the traditional roles, ‘man the breadwinner/woman the caretaker,’ modern dads and moms have an unprecedented opportunity to redefine a more involved and healthier version of fatherhood for generations to come. 

Whether it means leaving work early to make a performance,  joining the parent organization at school, becoming a stay-at-home parent, many modern dads are determined to show up for our families in ways that our own fathers could not or did not. However, we’re also just discovering what most mothers have known for years: doing it all ain’t so easy.

Unfortunately, the emerging discussion about modern fatherhood – as it relates to work-life balance, gender roles, parenting, and women’s issues – is already devolving into ‘who’s got it worse or who is less appreciated, mom or dad?’ I was disheartened to see so many unproductive responses to both a recent  Boston College study detailing the challenges men face in a mostly father-unfriendly workplace and the NY Times Magazine article, "Now Dad Feels As Stressed as Mom".

If modern dads are going to step fully into parenting, we as a society must:

• Take the challenges modern dads face more seriously - whether that's a work-life conflict or an increase in stress due to the increasing demands of homelife. Moms' challenges matter too; this is not a zero-sum game.

• Acknowledge how radically and quickly the identity and expectations for men today are changing. For a man who grew up believing his self-worth is measured by his success at work, doing most of the childcare because his wife's earns more, could plausibly lead to his experiencing strong feelings of shame, anger, and failure. If not addressed, his health and the well-being of his family could suffer.

• Show boys and men (girls, women too) what the potential payoff of being a fully involved dad actually looks like. Leading parenting workshops in schools over the last decade, I've heard dads become more vocal about their desire to have closer relationships at home; I wrote a very practical book, The Modern Dad's Dilemma: How To Stay Connected With Your Kids In A Rapidly Changing World (New World Library) to inspire men with stories of everyday dads who are successfully - not without challenges - building emotionally connected relationships with their kids and their wives/partners.

To put a human face on the real challenges of modern dads - as well the potential payoff for more involved parenting - I give you LeWayne Jones. LeWayne, one of dads featured in my new book, is a great example of a modern dad stepping out of his comfort zone and more fully into fatherhood.

What is there to learn from this short video clip of LeWayne Jones?

1. How one dad deals with the new, initially uncomfortable reality that his wife earns more money than he does. LeWayne's identity, like millions of american men, appears to be more rooted in breadwinning than caretaking. Yet, despite having to shift in his seat during the converstion about his wife earning more than him, LeWayne describes how the "motherly things" he does benefit his family.

2. Why becoming a better dad and a better man requires stepping out of your comfort zone. Instead of resisting his changing role in family life, LeWayne views it as an opportunity to support his wife and show up for his kids in new, but unfamiliar ways. For instance, realizing that he needed better listening skills, he actively practices listening not fixing. It should be noted that many women have also stepped out of their comfort zones to become breadwinners or business owners.

3. What unforeseen benefits dads can discover by taking on the ‘second shift,’ or doing what has historically been referred to as  ‘women’s work’ – housework and childcare; In LeWayne's case, he details how his involvement has led to him developing a much deeper emotional connection with his daughter...the kind of relationship he wanted with his own dad. He has also developed a stronger partnership with his wife, Renea.

This is a video of Sensei Kendall, my son Jake's karate teacher. Sensei Kendall, besides being a master in the martial arts, a father and father-figure, an accomplished news journalist, a successful businessman, a volunteer firefighter/EMT, and a genuinely great guy, is also practiced in the Art of Knowing; this video is an example of how Sensei Kendall truly knows each of his karate students. Not only does he know Jake - who he is, what progress he's making, how size is a concern of Jake's these days - but he communicates what he knows in a direct, respectful and honest way.

What is there to learn from this short video clip about karate?

1. How Sensei Kendall manages to know the over two hundred young people in his dojo. He does it the old-fashioned way: he pays attention, shows up, listens, spends time and asks questions. Knowing is an essential part of his practice.
2. Why knowing so important to dads. Just watch the video and pay close attention to my son's face. What you'll see a vivid picture of what the qualities of respect and care actually look like as they are transmitted from one person to another.

LORNE MICHAELS: "I think my job as a father is to make my children strong enough to walk away, and that is heartbreaking. I do it professionally as well, making [the cast] good enough to leave. It’s a very hard thing because who wouldn’t want to keep them young, dependent, and vulnerable? The key thing for me is that my children are not going to be the proof of my worth to the world — I’m not going to live through them. I’m not hoping to be able to say, “My kid’s the president.” It’s not about that. It’s a cliché, but every parent says, “I just want them to be happy.” To me, that means feeling useful, feeling busy, and having the emotional capacity to connect, to be there for another person. The joy of being a dad is watching my children turn into who they’re going to be.

I think it’s naive to think your kids are a young version of you. Sure, you see yourself in them or say, “I remember that expression or I remember being confused by that,” but they’re not you. And know your children you won’t really find out who they are until much, much later. If they’re fearful of expressing themselves or if the expectations are too high, it’s likely you won’t find out who they are at all. They still have to have rules — because in their perfect world my kids would just watch television all the time — and they still have to get their work done. But I can’t make them into something they’re not. I can practice with them — and I’ve thrown my fair share of pop-ups and passes — but I can’t make them into better athletes.

What I’m getting at is that if you’re observant and if you know your children — their eccentricities, their uniqueness — you begin to see more clearly the kind of kids they are, who they are at their core. As a dad, my job is to help my children truly be who they are, and that’s where putting in the hours becomes so important."

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We all want the best for our children. It’s only natural to want to protect them from making the same mistakes we made or to spare them unnecessary pain and disappointment. Likewise, most parents want to provide their children with opportunities they didn’t have or didn’t fully realize. These well-intentioned and usually healthy parenting instincts, however, need to be kept in check every step of the way. We need to avoid the temptation to see our children as extensions of ourselves. They are not Mini-Me’s.

In his vision of raising two sons and a daughter to be unique, emotionally connected, and happy individuals, Lorne reminds us of this simple yet critical truth when he says that your kids are not a younger version of you. The potential problem with seeing your child as an extension of you is that he or she can easily become more of an object than an in- dividual. Under the guise of “wanting the best for him” or “making sure she has opportunities I never had,” you may unwittingly lose sight of who your child is or what she wants for herself. In other words, your influence and “guidance” can begin to overshadow your child’s individuality.

* WHAT IS RITUAL DAD TIME? One great way to make sure you’re spending quality time with your child regularly is to create a Ritual Dad Time. This in no way should replace daily family rituals like sharing meals, walking to school, doing shared activities, reading together, etc. Rather, this is a special, once per month, one-on-one time with dad. Think of it as the father-child equivalent of a couple’s “date-night.”

* WHAT RITUAL DAD TIME LOOKS LIKE. Weekends tend to work best for my family. On Saturday morning, after a piano lesson, my daughter and I decided that we'd ride bikes to a local park and have a picnic. Exercise, food, and fun. On Sunday, my son and I went to our favorite barbershop (actually, Club 379 is a "Luxury Barber Spa for Men"). See my earlier post about Club 379...truly an amazing place. Omar and Shea, the owners, take the experience of getting a haircut to another level. Jake and I play pool, hang out with the guys, play a little Wii, look at the fish tank, oh, and...get our hair cut.

* REMEMBER TO MIX IT UP. With my daughter, we've talked about the importance of getting outside and being active during our dad-daughter time. Now that the weather is nice, she agrees that we should take advantage of it. With Jake, the challenge is to de-emphasize 'getting' something; he is so focused on getting toys (anything at all, really) these days, that I'm steering clear of spending our ritual dad-son time near places where 'getting something' is even a possibility, such as a bookstore, gumball machine, etc. Next Ritual Dad Time ideas we discussed: a different location for another bike ride/picnic with my daughter and riding the T (train) in Boston with my son...

In a fascinating survey of over 16,000 dads nationwide, Three For Me, a National PTA program, asked them how parent groups and schools could reach them better, and what types of activities they wanted to be involved in at school and with their children. When asked why they didn't join a parent group or get involved at school, the top two responses were:

They didn't have time and They were never asked.

Both responses speak to the need for a "two way street": schools & parent groups do need to proactively reach out, invite, and cajole dads; dads also have an equal responsiblity to step out of their comfort zones and show up.

THE TAKEAWAY? DADS WILL MAKE TIME IF..."they are given a specific job, their skills are utilized, and the time and expecation of the activity is provided." This is critically important. At my daughter's school, our new Dads Group had its first major whole-school event, the Mother's Day Breakfast on Sunday. Over 110 people showed up, and judging by the looks on their faces, it was undoubtedly a success. The main reasons for our success in engaging over a dozen dads to make this event happen are:

1). Each dad was given a specific job or role, such as shopping, renting griddle, publicizing the event, etc.

2). Grilling, cooking and generally serving others were skills and interests that the dads have.

3). From the start the time and expectations for each dad were made clear.

Are we really too busy? Certainly not any more than moms or single dads are today. Do invitations help? Absolutely a good starting point...More about busyness and invitations to come...

* April 28: Bruce Feiler, who feared that his cancer would leave his twin daughters fatherless, discusses his emotional decision to recruit a 'Council of Dads' - a team of godfathers - to help raise them.

* Watched a profile of this dad and his new book on Today Show, made me think about what my own council of dads would look like...yours?

* Watch a profile from his youtube channel below

* Here is the official cover and back jacket

* MAY 1 RELEASE DATE!

* Click image to enlarge